Lies, lies...They're all Lies!

I have to start this post by saying how proud I am of my husband. Even though he has had a rough go with his narc mom and her support system consisting of his dad and siblings, he reached out to his mom for the first time in years in hopes of some sort of reconciliation. Before this, he had been going no-contact. I had been going low-contact. So after an invite from my husband, the narcissistic monster-in-law visited my house on Monday with her enabling husband. I had to work so I wasn't there. But when I got home, my hubbie told me that the visit started out okay but ended horribly. This was the first time she had visited our home in four years. She went on and on about how much we hate her and she's never stepping foot inside our house again...all because my husband told her that she's done some things that hurt my feelings. Apparently, narcissistic mothers NEVER do anything wrong and to be accused of hurting someone else's feelings was just completely out of line. She ended up storming out of our home. As her husband was trying to usher her out of our home before her tirade could escalate even further, she even yelled at her husband to "Get your hands off of me!" Our son, their first grandson, was upstairs the entire time. When I got home and went upstairs, he was surprised to learn that they left without even saying good-bye to him...that' s how much this woman thinks of her grandson, apparently. *insert major side eye here*

The big eye opener for me during this latest narc mom episode is this--these women, no matter how religious or holy they claim to be...have no problem telling LIES to support their version of events. My husband told me about what was said during their visit...this woman flat out LIED multiple times. I have no doubt that narc moms and in-laws make up lies and fabricate events to support their own twisted version of reality. My husband and I have come to the sad reality that this woman will twist facts, ignore our efforts to reach out to them, and literally tell lies to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

I'd be lying if I said I'm not bitter

Well, I haven't posted in a while. I've been super busy with life...you know, working full time and being a wife and mommy. I don't have anything insightful to post this evening--I just need to vent. I am married to an amazing person who takes very good care of his family. He is the guy at work that everyone gets along with. He's reliable, hard-working, committed, fun to be around, and a great father to our son. The one thing he is not, unfortunately, is willing to allow his narcissistic mother to mistreat his wife. That is where he draws the line. Because his mother has convinced his entire family that I am to blame for her issues, he has no relationship with any of them. This woman has effectively pushed him to the outskirts of his own family. In recent months, he has attempted to reach out to them. He had an opportunity to talk with his father, but his father insisted that his mother be a part of the phone call as well. When he responded by saying that he really just wanted to talk with his father and his father only, "they" relented and said that was fine. However, when my husband called his father to have that conversation, his father allowed the phone to go to voice mail. My husband left a voice mail...a voice mail that was never returned. To this day, his father never called him back. That was nearly six months ago. I know it is not easy for my husband to reach out to his family as a result of his mother's narcissistic tentacles...and when he did, he was rejected. Denied a simple phone call with his father. This is our life right now. I admit I am bitter. But I will NEVER EVER tell my husband not to contact his family. I am just so bitter about what this woman has done to her firstborn son. I don't hold out hope that things will improve, but I pray that my husband will find peace and understanding in the midst of the storm that is his family headed by his narcissistic mother and enabling father.

Why my Christmas was so darn peaceful

Yesterday, my family celebrated a wonderful Christmas holiday. It started out with prayer, reading about the birth of Jesus in our bible, and discussing what Christmas means with our son so he never forgets the true meaning of the holiday season. It's not just about the gifts--sure, as a kid, I was excited to open presents, but as a person raised in a Christian home, I want to make sure that our son never loses sight of that. About ten years ago, my mother-in-law forever stained the holiday season for me. We had just bought a home a few months before, so our financial situation wasn't the best. To make a long story short, she was very disappointed in the gift we bought her and accused us of 1) buying a "better" gift for her husband, and 2) intentionally writing different things on the gift label on the outside of the package so the sentiments would come across differently on her label vs. the gift tag on my father-in-law's gift tag. I'm not even kidding.

This woman's desire to find fault is so deeply ingrained into her psyche--she actually accused us of writing differently on the gift tags! If there was one event that defined how her narcissistic tendencies impacted my relationship with her, it was this one. The tags were written differently because hubby wrapped one gift, and I wrapped the other. We didn't meet beforehand in order to ensure we wrote the exact same thing on the gift tags. They live out of the area, so when we called them on Christmas day that year, you could just hear the disappointment in her voice. She clearly was not pleased, this Christian woman. She's in church every Sunday--shouldn't she know what the holidays are truly about?

To make matters worse, about a week after Christmas, they came to town for one reason or another--I assume it was to see the golden child, who lived about 20 minutes away. I made the decision to leave my home with my mother because I wanted to protect myself from this woman's narcissistic abuse and rage. When I returned home that evening, my husband told me that she flew off the handle during the visit, going off on him and telling him that we "wished she were dead." Huh??? Oh, and she did all of this in front of our son, who was a toddler at the time. You didn't like the gift we gave you, and you equated that with us wishing you were dead? Classic narcissistic personality on full display.

This wasn't the only Christmas she ruined for us, but it defined for me what I was dealing with. We eventually made the decision to stop buying them things for Christmas. I know it was probably hard on my husband, but I think he agreed that not buying them anything was better than the stress of trying to buy her the "perfect gift"--even going beyond our financial means was no guarantee that she would approve of it.

I've been no contact with my mother-in-law since December 2011. I don't buy her gifts, she doesn't buy me gifts, and I'm fine with that. I no longer feel stressed when December rolls around. I focus on the true reason for the season, the people in my life who I love unconditionally and love me back in the same way. Yesterday was nice and peaceful because I made the conscious decision to ensure this narcissistic woman doesn't ruin another holiday for me ever again.

Especially during the holidays...

Narc Tactic: SMEAR CAMPAIGN

In an earlier post, I discussed how narcissistic mothers often select one of their children as the family scapegoat and all of the blame for issues or problems fall on that child. I also discussed triangular communication, a tactic narcissistic mothers use to maintain control over communication between members of her family. Another tactic frequently used by narcissistic mothers is the smear campaign. From my own personal experiences, the smear campaign is used by a narcissistic parent to discredit, isolate, and invalidate the target of the campaign. Smear campaigns involve gossip and often times flat out lies spread by the narcissistic mother. My mother-in-law was so devious in her smear campaigns that she often wrapped her campaign in artificial concern for my husband and I. I was privy to some of the things she said after having conversations with another family member. Why do narcissistic mothers do this? Smear campaigns can occur for several reasons:

• You disagree with or challenge the narcissistic mother
• They are jealous of you (a common trait among narcissists)
• She doesn't like that you're independent and pulling away from her nuclear family
• You're on to her toxic ways, you're vocal about it, and she wants to discredit you 
• She wants to turn other people in the family against you

In addition to artificial concern, one other devious tactic used by narcissistic mothers in their smear campaigns is mixing in a bit of truth along with their slander. Because it's already hard to believe that "dear old mother" would make up stories or flat out lie on her own children, adding in a little bit of truth along with her lies is especially wicked.

Narcissistic mothers utilize triangular communication to propagate their smear campaigns. I have witnessed firsthand the damage it can do to family members. In my case, my mother-in-law used the smear campaign to discredit, isolate, and invalidate my husband and I. When my husband and I finally realized what was going on, he attempted to speak with his brother about it. My mother-in-law had so fully engulfed my brother-in-law in the smear campaign against my husband and I that he simply refused to believe or acknowledge my husband's perspective. My husband's sister (the golden child) was even worse. She became enraged and accused my husband of being ungrateful and accused me of attempting to destroy her family. Their reactions made it clear that my mother-in-law's smear campaign was indeed a success.

:-)

Narc Tactic: TRIANGULATION

One common tactic used by narcissists is triangulation. From a psychological and communicative perspective, triangulation occurs when family member A has an issue or conflict with family member B, and rather than address that issue directly with family member B, family member A brings in another person, family member C, to discuss the issue (hence creating a triangle of communication). The concept of triangulation is well-known within the study of dysfunctional family systems because when the third family member is brought into the situation, the narcissist typically does so as a way to paint a negative picture of the person with whom he or she has an issue with. The narcissist does this in order to "split"the family and play the third family member against the one he or she is upset with. Here's the kicker though--the narcissist will not only bring a third family member in to talk about the issue with--he or she will also engage in a character assassination of the family member they have an issue with, thus creating a situation where family members B and C don't communicate directly with one another. Rather, they communicate solely through the narcissist, which is exactly how the narcissist wants it. If the two family members involved in triangular communication with the narcissist don't communicate directly with each other, then they can't ever verify whether or not what she (in this case, the narcissistic mother-in-law), is saying is true.

In families headed by narcissistic parents, poor relationships between the children is common. Triangular communication created by a narcissistic parent is especially damaging because no one would ever question the accuracy or truthfulness of a mother's story. And the narcissistic mother knows this! So stories are spread to the other children, stories that paint the scapegoated child in a negative light. When the other children--the scapegoat's siblings--hear these stories from the parent, it infuriates them that their sibling would treat their poor mother in such a way.

This is exactly what happened to my husband Aaron. He has a terrible relationship with his siblings due to his mother's triangular communication. His mother has engendered a negative view of him in the eyes of his father and his siblings in an attempt to build contempt for him. And boy has it worked. When he attempted to bring this to their attention, they accused him of being ungrateful and jumped to this poor woman's defense. She used triangular communication to drive a wedge between her children--and she continues to utilize this tactic to keep them apart.