Narc Tactic: SMEAR CAMPAIGN

In an earlier post, I discussed how narcissistic mothers often select one of their children as the family scapegoat and all of the blame for issues or problems fall on that child. I also discussed triangular communication, a tactic narcissistic mothers use to maintain control over communication between members of her family. Another tactic frequently used by narcissistic mothers is the smear campaign. From my own personal experiences, the smear campaign is used by a narcissistic parent to discredit, isolate, and invalidate the target of the campaign. Smear campaigns involve gossip and often times flat out lies spread by the narcissistic mother. My mother-in-law was so devious in her smear campaigns that she often wrapped her campaign in artificial concern for my husband and I. I was privy to some of the things she said after having conversations with another family member. Why do narcissistic mothers do this? Smear campaigns can occur for several reasons:

• You disagree with or challenge the narcissistic mother
• They are jealous of you (a common trait among narcissists)
• She doesn't like that you're independent and pulling away from her nuclear family
• You're on to her toxic ways, you're vocal about it, and she wants to discredit you 
• She wants to turn other people in the family against you

In addition to artificial concern, one other devious tactic used by narcissistic mothers in their smear campaigns is mixing in a bit of truth along with their slander. Because it's already hard to believe that "dear old mother" would make up stories or flat out lie on her own children, adding in a little bit of truth along with her lies is especially wicked.

Narcissistic mothers utilize triangular communication to propagate their smear campaigns. I have witnessed firsthand the damage it can do to family members. In my case, my mother-in-law used the smear campaign to discredit, isolate, and invalidate my husband and I. When my husband and I finally realized what was going on, he attempted to speak with his brother about it. My mother-in-law had so fully engulfed my brother-in-law in the smear campaign against my husband and I that he simply refused to believe or acknowledge my husband's perspective. My husband's sister (the golden child) was even worse. She became enraged and accused my husband of being ungrateful and accused me of attempting to destroy her family. Their reactions made it clear that my mother-in-law's smear campaign was indeed a success.

Narc Tactic: TRIANGULATION

One common tactic used by narcissists is triangulation. From a psychological and communicative perspective, triangulation occurs when family member A has an issue or conflict with family member B, and rather than address that issue directly with family member B, family member A brings in another person, family member C, to discuss the issue (hence creating a triangle of communication). The concept of triangulation is well-known within the study of dysfunctional family systems because when the third family member is brought into the situation, the narcissist typically does so as a way to paint a negative picture of the person with whom he or she has an issue with. The narcissist does this in order to "split"the family and play the third family member against the one he or she is upset with. Here's the kicker though--the narcissist will not only bring a third family member in to talk about the issue with--he or she will also engage in a character assassination of the family member they have an issue with, thus creating a situation where family members B and C don't communicate directly with one another. Rather, they communicate solely through the narcissist, which is exactly how the narcissist wants it. If the two family members involved in triangular communication with the narcissist don't communicate directly with each other, then they can't ever verify whether or not what she (in this case, the narcissistic mother-in-law), is saying is true.

In families headed by narcissistic parents, poor relationships between the children is common. Triangular communication created by a narcissistic parent is especially damaging because no one would ever question the accuracy or truthfulness of a mother's story. And the narcissistic mother knows this! So stories are spread to the other children, stories that paint the scapegoated child in a negative light. When the other children--the scapegoat's siblings--hear these stories from the parent, it infuriates them that their sibling would treat their poor mother in such a way.

This is exactly what happened to my husband Aaron. He has a terrible relationship with his siblings due to his mother's triangular communication. His mother has engendered a negative view of him in the eyes of his father and his siblings in an attempt to build contempt for him. And boy has it worked. When he attempted to bring this to their attention, they accused him of being ungrateful and jumped to this poor woman's defense. She used triangular communication to drive a wedge between her children--and she continues to utilize this tactic to keep them apart.